Being Rachel

My book...

2008-10-04T18:08:39Z

...still doesn't have a title but I figure that by the time I get to the end my brain should be able to come up with something fabulous. Other than that, all is going well.

There seems to have been a bit of a boom in the number of books published, or hoping to be published, aimed at twenty-somethings with chronic illnesses. I'm not too sure why this is. Maybe everyone just clicked at the same time that there was a gap in the market or they started to realise that more and more younger people needed this information. Either way it's made me take a look at what I'm doing in more detail and determine why I should continue writing this and why it's unique.

I feel like this book has been years in progress. Since I was diagnosed at 14 I've written a diary sharing my thoughts and feelings that I just didn't want to discuss with anybody else. Reading through it (and trust me, there's a lot of notebooks involved) there's bits where I laugh at how silly I sound and others where I'm straight back in the shoes of that teenage girl who is terrified about what's going on with her body.

I never thought that I would want anybody else to see this but then I realised how many other young people are going through the exact same thing - terrified and believing they're the only person in the world who feels this vulnerable. I then thought about including some of these diary entries into my book. I don't claim myself to be the next Bridget Jones but I wondered how much more it could achieve by showing people, first hand, that they are not alone and they can get through it.

I would read books, newspaper reports and internet pages with huge interest and would follow their 'tips on how to feel better' but I was always frustrated when it didn't work...so it's more about reassurance and encouragement than a medical/living your life bible.

I heard a great saying the other day - "Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning how to dance in the rain".

And the only way you can really learn how to dance in the rain is to make sure you've got the right back-up.

Flying lessons

2008-09-17T19:52:07Z

Today I decided to test out my wings and went for a flying lesson...down the stairs!

I was carrying cups of tea from the kitchen through to my desk at work when my ankles decided they didn't want to walk any further and sent me tumbling down the stairs. Our new office walls are now covered in tea stains and I'm sporting some rather beautiful looking bruises and a burn on my right hand.

Aside from the embarrassment in front of my work colleagues I'm feeling pretty fragile this evening. I'm finding it difficult to breathe deeply and when I cough or laugh my ribs are really painful. I just hope that there's nothing more serious than bruising because I can't be doing with any broken bones or more pain at the moment.

Recently I've found myself struggling to do normal things that I would normally take for granted, like lifting pans or the kettle, carrying things and even climbing stairs. I often panic that my lupus is getting steadily worse, and at times I feel that things are worse since I've been on this new medication. I know I'm probably reading too much into things and I'm just a bit wobbly at the moment. I hope so...I'm really over this spilling tea lark!

At least I've determined once and for all that I can't fly...best hang up those wings!

DLA Update...

2008-09-06T13:33:35Z

After I was rejected following my first application I decided to appeal. Earlier this week I had a doctor visit my house to assess me and give his views to my claim.

Yesterday I received a letter saying my appeal had been successful!

I can't really describe how it makes me feel. There is no doubt that the extra money will help me out with mobility etc but there's a part of me that hates the fact that I need to rely on it. I know I shouldn't feel guilty as I have been doing my best to take care of everything myself, including working full-time, and it has just got to the stage where I do need a little bit more help.

My Grandad's wife (I've always called her HG - honorary grandma) has lupus too and I have been speaking a lot more to her recently. She has helped me see things from a completely different perspective. She told me about her experiences when she was first diagnosed and how lupus was completely unrecognised as a disability. She told me about the fight she, and many other lupus patients went through to get the DWP to recognise that they all needed help too.

The doctor told me about some household gadgets that are available to help with everyday things and I can now look into them a bit more to make the little things that little bit easier. Of course I would give anything to be healthy and not have to receive DLA at all. But in a way it's almost like we deserve it for the pain and problems that we face and overcome every day.

It's my birthday...

2008-09-06T13:22:13Z

Today I turned 22. I haven't got to the age yet where I start counting backwards everytime I get a year older, but I feel like today is my first grown-up birthday.

I have always appreciated the little things and today, despite me telling him to save money for more important things, my boyfriend surprised me with a birthday cake and candles and a present. It was more than I could have asked for. On Saturday he also took me to one of the best restaurants in Leeds, when I thought we were just going for cheap and cheerful!

Even though birthdays are not as exciting as they were when I was a child and I don't lose sleep the night before from excitement I still love them. If nothing else they are a day to celebrate you and who you are. I look at each birthday as a chance to look back over what I have achieved this past year and what I want to gain from the year ahead. When I was younger I would make resolutions on my birthday rather than New Years Eve and I often found that I was more likely to keep them!

This year? I want to learn to accept myself more. I've got used to the idea of my illness but I want to appreciate the me that deals with this. Yes, the tablets might have made me put on weight and I might hate the fact that I'm constantly pumped full of chemicals but they're helping me and that's all that matters. And I've got a great boyfriend who keeps on surprising me every day.

I'm just lucky I guess.

One Last Breath

2008-08-09T20:08:25Z

Since I started writing my book (which still remains nameless - suggestions welcome) I've become much more aware of how other people live their life.

I was invited to a facebook group created by a mother in memory of her son who died from a rare form of bone cancer and she is trying to get her book published about his condition and his fight for life.

Ben Calvert died after a long battle with Osteosarcoma and now his family are trying to make his struggle with this made public to help prevent others being diagnosed too late. The problems his mum is facing is trying to get the book noticed by publishers.

If you have a facebook profile please join the group http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=17884484129 to support getting this book published in Ben's memory to help this disease become more publicised and raise awareness to lead to faster diagnosis and saving lives.

New Doctor...New hopes

2008-08-09T19:23:00Z

I had my first appointment with a new specialist doctor this morning and I was there for 2 hours, which is unprecedented for me!

I have waited so long for this appointment that I was a little bit nervous. I really hoped that he would be nice and that he'd come up with a way to make me feel much better as I've been struggling a bit recently. It went better than I could have imagined.

I sat down with the doctor for half an hour and he asked questions about how I was feeling. It was the first time I've had a specialist who actually listened to me and didn't interrupt or try and put words in my mouth. I needed to talk to people who actually understood what I was going through and could help me make sense of it all. It was wierd going through all the symptoms I've been experiencing since the very beginning and him understanding automatically that it was all down to my lupus, rather than before where everyone has been rather confused about it all.

With other doctors my lupus has not really been approached, it's almost as if it's pushed to the side because nobody really understands it. Today was different. Lupus was the main topic of conversation and the way in which they want to treat me from here forwards is very much as a lupus patient. I feel much more relaxed knowing that I now have a doctor who understands what I'm going through and can help me come out the other side healthier and happier.

I've now been prescribed Plaquenil, which is new for me, and continuing with my current medication. I've also started swimming so I'm hoping that it won't be long before I'm up and running properly again. It just takes a little bit of a push sometimes.

Life Disrupted

2008-07-19T17:28:51Z

I've recently opened my eyes to the world of chronic illness and started to see outside the lupus shaped box I've been living in for recent years. It started when I had to leave my last job because it was making me sick but I think, more than anything, it's down to the fact I now feel ready to learn exactly what Lupus is and why it affects me how it does.

My bookshelf, once adorned with the girly chick-lit novels, is now laden with library books on arthritis, lupus and living life with a chronic illness and I find myself reading through each one with interest. When I was first diagnosed I tried to gather together as much information as I could but I would just end up scaring myself. At 15 I would come across reports that said things like 'lupus sufferers can now expect to live for 10 years' and I would shut down terrified that I would never get to my 30's or experience half the things I had dreamed of. Now there is much more information available to me, much of which is more accurate and I feel ready to deal with the reality of it all now.

Reading through the books that are available has led me to big ideas for my own project that I am currently working on. Whilst I am now armed with lots of medical information and tips on how best to deal with my illness I am still struggling to find anything that is deliberately targeted at young people, in particular the age group I was when I was first diagnosed as a teenager.

Today is the publication date for a book I have been looking forward to reading. I was only introduced to Laurie Edwards' blog 'A Chronic Dose' last month but since then I have read it with great interest. Now she has put her writing skills and life experience of living with chronic illnesses into a book called 'Life Disrupted', which specifically deals with twenties and thirties. I can't wait to get hold of the book and see how she has tackled the subject. I have no doubt it will be as down-to-earth and eloquent as her blogs.

A Chronic Dose: A Chronic Illness Blog - http://achronicdose.blogspot.com

Unsuccessful and unrecognised

2008-06-14T19:24:45Z

I finally applied for Disability Living Allowance (DLA). It had taken me years before I finally realised that I could use the help. Before I hadn't want to 'bother anyone' and I wouldn't believe people when they said I was entitled to it.

It had taken me days to fill out the form with a lot of help. I wasn't too sure what angle to take with my responses. I didn't want to give details of my good days because that wouldn't get my anywhere but on the other hand I was reluctant to concentrate on the bad days either. I know it's not being dishonest because at times I really do struggle but it almost felt wrong. In the end I decided to go with a happy medium and make sure I made them aware in my answers that this was changeable and some days were much worse.

It's taken over a month to receieve the response and my claim has been unsuccessful. I don't really know how to take it. In their reasonings for rejecting the claim they say that I was capable of walking short distances slowly and normally and therefore I did not qualify. I doubt they've even read it to be honest.

I feel almost like they have totally disregarded my responses to their questions. They haven't taken into consideration my bad days where I can hardly walk and need help with even the most simple of daily tasks. It feels like they don't recognise the condition that I have and almost like they have disregarded my claim because of my age. I'm getting fed up of people not realising that despite having good days and looking relatively healthy there is more going on inside me that I refuse to make public.

I know of people who receive these benefits who really do not have reason to have it. Do I have to totally over-react in order to get what I am entitled to?

My next step continued...

2008-06-07T20:12:38Z

I've been very productive with this whole book idea. When I get an idea in my head I do tend to go full speed ahead with it.

I've decided to make it more general, rather than targeting just people my age with lupus and arthritis I want to make it more accessible for all young people with an invisable illness.

The response I've had has been absolutely amazing. I've spoken to a number of people who have, like me, been diagnosed young with a variety of different things and it's pretty much unanimous that more information needs to be available for young people.

I don't confess to know anything medical about chronic illnesses so I want to make it more about the people behind the diagnosis. People's experiences, information on how to deal with your illness and to make people aware that they're not alone and being diagnosed does not mean an end to your life.

My next step...

2008-06-06T22:40:04Z

Since my last post I've spoken to various arthritis charities and contacted other young people with arthritis to see what is available for young people.

The answer - nothing!

Ok, so there's the odd leaflet and support group across the country but nothing that really gets into the mind of a young person who has just been diagnosed with an illness that is associated with old people!

I just don't understand why with all the information that's out there for older people that young people are not regarded hardly at all. It is impossible to expect a 20 year old to pick up a book that has photographs of an elderly couple on the front and want to read what's inside.

It may be dramatic, but for me I felt angry and upset. Was I less important because I had contracted arthritis in my teens rather than my 60's?

So I've come to a conclusion, I'm going to write my own. I know it's going to be a long job and a lot of hard work but if it helps young people across the UK understand what's going on in their bodies better then it has to be worth it!

After all, someone has to do it and it doesn't look like anyone else is.

Something to keep me busy...

2008-06-06T22:33:43Z

Rather than continue to feel sorry for myself I decided to do something about it and learn as much as I could about what was happening inside my body.

Up until now I've never really dedicated that much time or attention to learning all about lupus or arthritis. I think in a sense I was too scared to know all the details because then it would seem more real and I didn't really want to know what my future could hold.

I don't know what I expected to find when I visited the library, but I was shocked to find as little as I did. Now Leeds is by no means a small city but there were no books or leaflets on lupus and their arthritis section was very small. Every book I picked out on arthritis was aimed at older people, with no mention of younger people also having the disease, or parents of children. There was nothing targeted at young people themselves.

I'm now 21 and fairly intelligent but reading through some of the books on offer was far too technical and complicated for me to understand. I never really attempted to look before, but if this is what I was offered at the age of 14 I would have been terrified.

So if there's nothing available for younger people to read about their illness and how it could affect them what are they going to do? My mum is a nurse and she helped me out a lot with understanding all the medical jargon I heard every day, but not everyone has the same luxury.

I'm going to do some research and find out what really is available for people my age to learn and gain support from.

Out of control...

2008-06-06T22:22:46Z

There's one thing I've always hated about having lupus and arthritis...not being in control.

I've always been independent and would prefer to do things myself rather than have someone else do it for me. But now I'm struggling to come to terms with something completely different; letting something, rather than someone, control my life.

It's not a new concept I know. My diagnosis was now 8 years ago and I really should be used to my symptoms and how my illness affects me but for some reason I still can't. Yes, I know more about it and I know more about how I can deal with it but there is still that part of me that would rather ignore what's going on and continue as normal.

I'm finding it hard to keep on top of how I'm feeling. I'm incredibly emotional, unable to walk any distance, constantly tired and I think a part of me struggling to cope is because I still refuse to believe that this is really happening to me.

I know it's a bit late in the day to still be in denial, but I still can't help but wonder what my life would be like if I didn't have all this extra worry to handle.

Another new city...Another new job...

2008-06-06T22:15:10Z

I am writing this from my 4th new home in the space of a year. I now live in Leeds, and we moved into our new apartment about a month now. The thought of leaving Manchester was quite difficult, I'd just got used to it and loved being in the city but now it's time for another change.

Maybe it's a good thing that on finishing my previous job I have a clean break and can start afresh somewhere different. Leeds, in my opinion, is very different to Manchester. In fact I'm not sure I really like it that much, but I can't put into words why.

There's been so much going on in my life this past year, starting from leaving university and now moving to another city that's I've never so much as visited before. To be honest, I'm starting to feel a little bit unsettled. I can feel myself getting worked up about small things and I'm having a few flares that are lasting longer than normal. I've always suffered more when I'm feeling stressed, and whilst I know I should sit back and relax a bit more I just can't bring myself to fully shut down.

I've just started my new job, where I will be working on the advertising for in-store radio. It's an exciting job and my first week there I have really enjoyed. This job is much more suited to my degree than my previous and it is definately better for my health. When I ws debating whether or not to leave my previous job I would wonder whether I had made the correct decision, I can now say without a doubt that I have. I feel better in myself and I can see myself being able to live the life I want to a bit more. Not only will I have more time, but more energy to enjoy doing things I like rather than devoting it to work all the time.

So once again, it's time to throw myself into life in a new city. I think I'm going to enjoy having this fresh start and I hope I grow to love Leeds more over time.

Moved in...

2008-04-14T19:29:33Z

So we've moved in to our apartment in Manchester and had our first day at work.

I can't really tell how well I did considering it was only my first day of training today but I know that I'm going to experience certain things doing this that I would never have thought I could manage. I've always been a little bit shy, although I could usually hide it behind a pretence at being confidence, but doing this job it's something I really need to get over. I don't think I'll have a problem talking to people so directly as I've observed people doing today but it's going to take a little bit of practice before I can do it with the confidence they all seem to have so naturally.

The opportunity within this job is really huge and I'm excited about the possibilities. However, for now I think I need to keep my feet on the ground and just to get to grips with this entry level side of it first.

The apartment is really nice, despite having boxes lying around everywhere waiting to be unpacked. It's 2 bedrooms, has a really large bathroom and a living area with a kitchen along one end. I can see us both being really happy here; if we actually get much time to enjoy it working these hours everyday.

New City... New Job...

2008-04-14T19:24:41Z

I have a new job. Have been through the 3 rounds of interviews and have been offered a position working for a company called Executive Advertising in Manchester.

If I'm honest I'm not too sure whether this is the route I imagined myself going down when I first started applying for 'grown-up' jobs but at the end of the day I don't exactly have anything else to be doing right now.

Darren was also offered a position in the company too, and we will be starting work as soon as we can find somewhere to live. I think it will be good for us both to be doing the same job, especially considering this one will be pretty long hours.

I'm looking forward to learning what the real world is like and having to learn how to pay bills and everything for myself. I don't know if this job is something I really think will be my future but I'm willing to give it a go and 100% for 6 months and see where it takes me.

Job hunting

2007-05-30T20:26:59Z

When I was younger I longed for the day I could start applying for proper jobs. I thought it sounded glamorous, exciting and an adventure. Now that the day has finally come, I realise how wrong I was.

Having spent 3 years doing journalism at university, I've now started to have second thoughts. I've always loved writing and would adore the chance to do it as a career, but writing the news is not really my thing. My heart lies with magazines and, in particular, travel. I constantly trawl through the available jobs on the internet hoping that something will magically appear which will allow me to travel the world, camera in hand and write about it. Unfortunately I know that opportunities like that don't come around very often, so I'm looking for other aspects.

Before I step foot into the big wide world and my first proper career step, I'm currently trying to find a temp job to keep me in shoe money for the next few months. I've now visited a recruitment agency who will hopefully set me up with a job pretty quickly, giving me some extra cash and a little something extra for my not-so-impressive CV.

I've been told that getting your perfect job is not so much what you know, but who you know. And especially in the media industry this is very true. I constantly wonder who my "contact" will be and whether, one day, I'll get my camera and my one-way plane ticket and disappear.

Leaving...

2007-05-28T20:35:28Z

Friends have been leaving for home or new jobs gradually over the past month, and I have said goodbye to each of them. However it was only today as I saw off three more friends it really hit me that uni is coming to an end, and quickly.

I've come close to leaving university once before. There have been many times where I've wanted to get away, or had a strop because I thought university and journalism was not for me, but it has only been once that I actually considered leaving it all behind. Since then I've always wondered what my life would have been like had I actually gone. For one I would not have met Darren, or half of the great friends I have made over this past year. Looking back on it my life would actually be totally different.

Now as it comes to the point where I have to leave my house, the university and Lincoln I'm finding it hard not to stick my heels in and demand to stay. But then I wonder whether it's the university life I'm wanting to stick around for, or my friends.

I love Lincoln. I love how it reminds me of Canterbury and I felt like I belonged here almost the moment I set foot in my Junxion flat in 2004. I love how you can wander around and guarantee to bump into someone you know, whether it's on a night out or a random shopping trip. For a university life, Lincoln is pretty much perfect. It's small enough so you know everyone and everywhere. But I can see myself growing out of it, and I'm looking forward to finding somewhere new to call home. I will always look at Lincoln as "that city I loved whilst I was at Uni", and like Canterbury, part of me will always love it.

I'm excited about the next step, and look to it as a new adventure. I've always wanted to get the opportunity to do what I've wanted my whole life and I look at finishing university as a chance to fulfil my dreams. But today, as I sit in my room thinking about my time here in Lincoln and the friends who have left, I start to wonder whether it will ever be the same again.

Scunthorpe United

2007-05-17T20:00:06Z

I've always been a fan of football. I used to spend my Saturday evenings curled up watching Match of the Day with my dad. When I was younger I admit I did tend to follow whichever team were winning the premiership, or who seemed to be the 'in' club. But I was always more than a little bit of a Liverpool girl.

I never really went to big matches, partly because there weren't any near by and also because myself and my dad could never agree on which team to support which would just make things difficult.

Since being with Darren I've started to become a bit of a convert, he's turned me into a little bit of a Scunthorpe United fan.

I started to follow the results and ask the right questions, as any girlfriend would, but then I began to get a little bit more interested. So I went to my first match at Glanford Park. The Iron vs Bristol City.

Since then I haven't looked back. I don't mention the win against Gillingham, my local team, very often especially because I spent much of that game trying to hide my delight whenever the Gills managed to score. It didn't happen often so my plan was not foiled too quickly. However since then Scunthorpe actually went onto win the league, and myself and Darren went to all the home games.

The atmosphere was great. Not being a Scunthorpe girl I was still getting into it and cheering along the team like it was actually my home town. It was such an achievement for a small club like Scunny to actually win the league, when nobody had ever imagined they could do it.

Today was slightly different to the last home game against Huddersfield. The party atmosphere and the chants were the same but it was much more chilled because everyone knew they were promoted and they no longer had anything to prove.

Watching the team recieve their league one trophy was almost as special, if not more, than seeing Liverpool lift the Champions League. Not because it meant more, but to Scunny it meant the same.

Even though it was Darren who introduced me to the Iron, and admittedly had he not I would never have paid much attention, I look at them as a great club. Determination and the support the fans gave the team throughout the season was amazing. I hope they do great in the Championship next year.

The end of uni...

2007-05-08T10:36:27Z

It's official. I have finished university. No more lectures, essays or exams ever again. Whilst my inital reaction is 'thank god', the more I think about it the more it upsets me.

Whilst not having anymore work to do is great, it also means that very soon we will have to say goodbye to our friends and Lincoln as we move into the real world. I've been looking forward to moving for months, but now the time has come it's more than a little bit scary.

These next few months will be spent trying to find a job, trying to find a house, and clinging onto every last memory in Lincoln we can.

Lupus

2007-04-19T20:28:03Z

In my last post I said I didn't really understand lupus and what it was. One of my friends posted this on a message board describing to people what it actually involved and it really helped me, even though I should probably know already.

I don't think I'll ever know all I should know about Lupus and how it affects people. Sometimes I'll still pretend I'm ok when I know I'm not. But then again I'm not sure I'm quite ready for the whole truth at the moment.

Lupus is an autoimmune disease that can affect various parts of the body, including the skin, joints, heart, lungs, blood, kidneys and brain. Normally the body's immune system makes proteins called antibodies, to protect the body against viruses, bacteria, and other foreign materials. These foreign materials are called antigens.

In an autoimmune disorder like lupus, the immune system cannot tell the difference between foreign substances and its own cells and tissues. The immune system then makes antibodies directed against itself. These antibodies -- called "auto-antibodies" (auto means 'self') -- cause inflammation, pain and damage in various parts of the body.

Inflammation is considered the primary feature of lupus. Inflammation, which in Latin means "set on fire," is characterized by pain, heat, redness, swelling and loss of function, either on the inside or on the outside of the body (or both).

For most people, lupus is a mild disease affecting only a few organs. For others, it may cause serious and even life-threatening problems.

Hospital Update.

2007-04-19T20:24:40Z

I went to the hospital today for my check up. Last time I was there the doctor took me off my methotrexate tablets for a trial period to see how things went. Since then, everything seems to be ok. I've had a few little flare ups and I still struggle with sore joints now and again but there's not been any major problems.

Anyway, today he tells me the tests for arthritis are negative. But I still have Lupus in my body, and it appears to be getting worse each time. I'm not really sure how I feel about it. Obviously not having arthritis anymore is a good thing because it means there is less pressure on my joints and hopefully they won't get destroyed so easily. But the lupus has always been the one I've been most scared of. Despite being told so many times what it is, I don't think I really understand fully what's going on. And the doctor says there isn't really any point in putting me on lots of medication because of the possible side effects. So at the moment we're just testing how I'll get along leaving things as they are.

As I was sat in the room with him he asked questions about how I've been feeling. And then he said that I've probably been feeling a bit fed up about it all, emotional, irritable, easily tired, not sleeping and just overwhelmed. It brought tears to my eyes a little bit because I've just never really connected it all to my illness, and just thought I was being over-dramatic and silly. At least I know where it's all coming from a bit more now, and I won't feel so angry at myself when I feel low.

So at the moment the combination of sore joints and slightly swollen knees and ankles are starting to make me realise what lupus really means to me. The doctor has made me realise that I do need to take care of myself because it isn't going to go away, like the arthritis did. But I can make it easier for myself by making sure I sleep enough and eat properly and rest when I'm feeling tired.

It's good news in a way I guess. But I don't really know how to take it.

Holiday

2007-04-04T22:50:10Z

Booked holiday to Ibiza with Darren. 7 nights in the sunshine in June. Just what I need after the randomness of this year so far.

Can't wait.

Finished...

2007-04-02T21:41:02Z

I got my dissertation bound today, and it's sat beside me looking all pretty and professional. I don't dare open it and read any though because I'm sure I'll find a mistake in it somewhere.

I can't believe it's finally done. Whilst I have this huge feeling of relief, theres a little part of me that thinks I've missed something important out. And sitting here doing nothing for the past few hours simply feels wrong, and I keep thinking to myself I should be doing something productive. Whilst I do have other modules to complete, I'm just pushing those to the back of my mind for today and enjoying believing that, for now, it's all over.

The dissertation started a year ago, and I didn't actually properly start it until well after christmas this year. Part of me wishes I had started sooner, and got my actual idea clarified earlier than I did. But even if I had have had this travel journalism idea from the very start, I know I would never have started until it began getting scarily close to deadline. It's quite simply the way of the world.

Nick mentioned that I should write an article based on my dissertation and try and sell it to one of the newspapers. He said the Guardian would probably be interested in it because they're very environmental based at the moment. I don't know if I could ever write anything good enough to be published in the Guardian, purely because I don't think I know enough about it to be considered intelligent enough to write for them! I might give it a go though, because if nothing else I can always use it in my portfolio. Nick has a way of making me motivated about stuff, not just my dissertation but about journalism jobs in general. He's very "the worst they can say is no" which makes me feel positive for a while, but then I just started feeling all dejected about the fact that most of the time it is no. I suppose I've got nothing to lose, and after all the hand-ins are over and done with I won't really have much to do with myself all summer...

But anyway...tangent done.

It's over. It's bounded together and hopefully I won't ever have to look at it again. Even though I printed myself an extra copy of it, purely so I have something to remind me of the reason I never want to do a degree or write 10,000 words again.

Dancing on ice...

2007-04-02T21:33:42Z

It was my guilty secret. The tv show I loved watching, but it's not really considered cool to admit to it!

Ever since I was little I've loved ice skating, and would sit and watch the championships with my mum and sister for hours on tv. I would read books about skating, and watch other kids at the ice rink who were training for competitions and be really jealous of their sparkly dresses and posh white boots. I remember going to the ice rink for numerous birthday parties and hoping that magically I would be able to skate perfectly and do all the spins as soon as I stepped onto the ice...it never happened.

I still love it though. And Darren and I went skating for our anniversary yesterday. It was so much fun. I was quite scared before we went because I'd been told stories about the 'death ramps' which connect the top and bottom rink to each other. And watching all the young kids skating crazily was horrible, because they were so much better than me!

But surprisingly enough, I didn't break anything. A surprise to everyone. And I didn't even fall over, although I did come close a few times. I don't think I got too over-confident enough to topple over because I was too scared of getting knocked down by the speedy kids!

I still can't do the Kyran Bracken style ice dancing, although me and Darren did manage a little twirl on the ice. But it looked more slow motion than actual dancing haha. Maybe one day I'll be able to do it...and get to wear a spangly outfit and white ice dancing boots.

But that's hardly likely to happen.

Dissertation completion...

2007-04-02T21:27:02Z

So I'm well on my way to finishing my dissertation. I'm on about 7000 words now and am gathering the remainder of my interviews and results to put together the final parts of my chapters and conclusion.

Now that there is only 3000 words to go I can vaguely see the end nearing. Yet there still feels like there is so much to go. Mostly because it has been so difficult getting interviews. Travel journalism, which my dissertation is about, isn't really covered in detail in books and stuff so it's been really hard getting information. I thought talking to editors would be easy but they've been really funny about replying to emails and phonecalls. I have started to write around them though, and my tutor has said to just mention in my conclusion how difficult getting this information was.

Can't wait to get it all done. I am hoping to have it all written by the end of next week, so i have 5 days to get it proof read and printed before hand in.

The dissertation is always the big deal when doing a degree, so it feels good to know that I am so close to putting it all behind me. Hopefully it will be good enough so I won't ever have to do it again.